Editor’s note: All school staff in California are mandated reporters for child abuse and neglect. Saint Francis educators value student well-being, and are legally obligated not to keep disclosures of abuse or neglect private.
We hear it constantly: talk to someone, tell a counselor, text a friend, don’t bottle it up. It’s on posters in school hallways and in every conversation about teen mental health. But what I kept noticing was that the availability of someone to talk to was rarely the problem. In reality, what students seemed to worry about most was what might happen after they said something.
To understand this issue better, I created an anonymous survey and shared it with thirty-six students ages thirteen to eighteen from several schools. These questions pertained emotional openness, peer support, school climate, social expectations, family and cultural influences, and attitudes toward asking for help.
The results showed a gap between having support and feeling comfortable enough to use it. Almost 90% of students said they had at least one person they could talk to when something was wrong. But only 44% said it was easy to talk to that person when they were stressed. About two-thirds said they had regretted sharing something personal, and more than half had felt emotionally isolated even while surrounded by people who cared. Students also described why opening up could feel risky. They worried about being judged, misunderstood, pitied, talked about, or treated differently. Some feared that speaking up might make an already difficult situation worse. But staying quiet had its consequences too: isolation, resentment, burnout, withdrawal, and loss of motivation.
Friends were often the first choice for support. About 72% of students said it was easier to talk to someone their own age than to an adult. At the same time, three-quarters said they thought about social expectations before deciding what, and how much, to share. We may trust our friends, yet still worry about becoming the topic of a group chat, or being treated differently after sharing. That means having friends does not always mean feeling supported.
I saw a similar gap at school. About 72% of students said their school encourages students to ask for help, but less than a third described school as a safe place to talk about personal struggles. Students still had practical questions: who should I go to? What will stay private? What happens next? Will other people be told?
The survey was small and was not meant to represent every high school student. The questions measured students’ experiences and perceptions rather than clinical diagnoses. Still, the responses point to patterns worth paying attention to.
If I had to boil the responses down, I would say four things make reaching out for support easier: availability, clarity, trust, and quality. Students want more than one way to reach out, clear information about what happens after they ask for help, confidence that their privacy will be respected, and a response that makes them feel heard and taken seriously. Students also suggested concrete changes that schools could make. They wanted private check-ins, clearer explanations of confidentiality, adults who listen before jumping to solutions, frequent low-pressure opportunities to talk, and a defined process for short-term flexibility during a difficult week.
Coming out of my research, what resonated with me most was that emotional openness is not simply a personality trait. It changes depending on the relationship, the setting, past experiences, and what someone expects will happen after they speak up. Ultimately, the goal is not to make every student share everything. It is to make sure that when someone does decide to ask for help, the path to support is clear and the first response is a good one. Sometimes, the most important thing isn’t having the perfect advice. Instead, it’s making sure the person feels heard enough to take the next step.
