Do you enjoy going to a museum and looking at ancient relics? Have you ever laughed when seeing fossils and dinosaur bones? If you said yes, you’re in luck! Did you know that you go to school with a living and breathing fossil? Meet Mr. Don Carroll: an English teacher that has worn a plaid shirt since the dawn of time, literally.
We wanted to learn more about this age-old specimen, so we received information from an anonymous source in the science department who recalled some of our dinosaur’s finest moments. Ever since his birth in the Precambrian era, he’s always had a love for food; it’s what has sustained him for so long. Once, he flew all the way to Alaska just to try a burrito, the type of greed they talk about in the Bible (and he would know—he was born before it was written).
Miraculously, a kindhearted woman was gracious enough to marry and have two kids with this nearly-singled-celled organism. As our science department spy informed us, the children are extremely witty and generally amazing, taking after their mother.
Considering that they did not have a TV in their home, it’s remarkable that these children were able to grow up with joy in their lives. This shocking fact is probably due to Mr. Carroll being too prehistoric to understand the concept of that “advanced” technology.
Another thing that was invented after his birth: the iron. Why else would he show up to school with a shirt so wrinkly it must have been through a black hole?
Despite all this, Mr. Carroll still claims to be younger than Dr. Jennifer Thomas: a blatant lie. But this rumor isn’t his sole contention with Saint Francis educators.
You know the saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?” Teachers say that Ms. Mary Jo Carroll, Mr. Carroll’s mother and a religious studies teacher here for many years, was so nice that her tree must have grown on top of a hill, and that the apple rolled halfway around the world before coming to a stop.
Despite possessing millions of years worth of life experience, Mr. Carroll still couldn’t make it through one year of school at the University of California, Santa Barbara. In fact, he so consistently crumpled under the pressure of university, he tried half the colleges in the United States before giving up and returning to high school, where he’s been for about a century.
The human race, and Earth itself, will be only a memory by the time he ever gets a diploma. But fear not! You don’t need an education to be a politician!
There’s still hope that Mr. Carroll can achieve his lifelong dream of representing the Republican Party.
Unfortunately, he’s still not old enough to run for office.
