When Saint Francis’s ASB announced the first-ever senior sleepover, seniors were ecstatic at this opportunity to spend even more time at school! However, all the joy did not come free, because behind the scenes administrators were scrambling to organize. The Lancer sent its best, most qualified, prettiest, funniest, smartest, wittiest investigative journalists—006 and 008—to spy on the faculty. After bugging the Andre House with both cameras and microphones, The Lancer discovered a shocking secret animosity between the two seemingly beloved parking lots. Here are the astounding events of March 15, 2025—North Lot and South Lot’s interview-turned-blowout argument.

Mr. Ceekel: Welcome, North Lot and South Lot. Thank you both for taking the time out of your days to be here. We appreciate the dedication to the Lancer community. 

Mrs. Kurtis: As you know, we are searching for the perfect setting for our senior sleepover. So, let’s begin: Why are you interested in pursuing this opportunity?

North Lot shoves South Lot aside to speak first.

North Lot: Well, obviously, seeing as I’m NORTH lot, it’s only obvious that I’m the right one for the job. The kids will come through North first, they’ve spent their time as juniors here—nostalgia for the emotional kids, and all. I believe they’d have the opportunity to access the state-of-the-art Innovation Center for safety. Where are they going to go if there’s an emergency in the South Lot? Surely, Mr. Carroll’s classroom will be full with his daily dinner (1543 burritos, 679 soft tacos, 437829 hard tacos, 5738924 slices of pizza—not to mention the chocolate chip cookies). Save the kids; I beg you. 

South Lot: FIRST of all, thank you so much Mr. Ceekel and Mrs. Kurtis for this prestigious, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for mere parking lots like us. It’s not everyday that we get to be involved in the fun senior events for our beloved graduating class!

South Lot starts tearing up, grabs a tissue. North Lot rolls his eyes.

NL: You can’t possibly be serious right now. [dead pans into a nonexistent camera]

SL: It is common sense for the Senior Sleepover to be hosted on the senior parking lot. It’s where all their previous senior memories have been—why should this event be so different? Just because North Lot wants some attention? We don’t need to change the status quo just because he wants to be relevant again. Plus, the seniors don’t want the bad memories associated with North Lot—the skinny parking spaces, the nightmare exit scenario—on what is going to be the best night of their lives! As for safety, Saint Francis has always done the emergency drills on the football field, and I know North Lot’s tumultuous experiences with making friends is a touchy subject, but we all know I’m closer to the football field than he is. 

NL: Are you flipping serious right now?! My vulnerability to speak about my issues making platonic relationships is NOT grounds to make fun of me! Mrs. Kurtis this isn’t fair. How can you let this 4’3 embarrassing excuse of a parking lot disrespect me in this way? I won’t have it. What happened to raising awareness for men’s mental health? What happened to “it’s ok to not be ok?”

Mr. Kurtis: North Lot, South Lot, let’s stay away from personal attacks. Onto the next question: How have you taken advantage of an opportunity or overcome a barrier in your life?

NL: Well, every single morning and every single afternoon I am physically assaulted by new “drivers” attempting to park and back out of these spaces. I get it—I’m skinny. But it’s really not that hard to just park in the lines. I persevere, honestly, through my constant resilience. I’m so strong for dealing with Einstein driving back and forth and back and forth and back and forth with all these slips for kids to repark. I mean, just let me live. Sorry I’m not as big as South Lot! What do you want from me? 

SL: When I was attending my monthly affinity group for fellow parking lots, they all were shocked and astounded that I had to go through this challenge—but with my perpetual positivity and can-do attitude, I took it as a blessing instead. Because of North Lot’s continual failures to bulk up (we all know the protein powder is doing nothing for him), the juniors who cannot find space in his tiny premises have to overflow onto mine! The generous parking lot that I am, I welcome them with open arms. After all, what are a few more Saint Francis students to the South Lot community? 

North Lot looks up at South Lot and frowns, quickly pulling his sleeves down. When South Lot isn’t looking, he quickly turns to the nearest mirror and flexes. Sorry, North Lot, still nothing!

MC: I’d appreciate it if we could all put a stop to the personal attacks; let’s remember to be professional, please. Now, why are you the best parking lot for the job?

NL: First of all, I’d just like to say that everybody starts somewhere. Do you think The Rock just popped out the womb with a six pack and biceps the size of Saturn? No, he put in the work. I’m putting in the work [begins to whine] just trust the process please. Anyways, I am always happy to stay professional, but South Lot seems to only have personal attacks to fall back on—most likely because she knows that I am objectively the better parking lot. My accessibility to campus, the safety standards enforced by my tight spaces, and my warm attitude make this the perfect place for the Senior Sleepover. 

SL: I’ll take responsibility for my personal attacks—but I’ve only been making them because it is such a joke that I am actually competing professionally with North Lot. Are you serious? Have you seen him? And “warm attitude”? I’d maybe believe that if he had any friends!

NL: HOW DARE YOU. I have been nothing but kind to you, but your snarky attitude warrants this: here’s the truth, South Lot. No one likes you. Yeah, I said it. Not the football field—he talks bad about you behind your back. Not the welcome center who hates your fake positivity. Not me because you’re just a rude parking lot. So, you know what? I do have no friends, but I’d rather have no friends than a lousy parking lot like you that has to fake nice so people talk to her.

North Lot and South Lot both get up and are yelling at each other. MC and MK duck under their desk.

SL: Sure, North Lot. You probably heard all that “gossip” while you lurk behind the rest of the facilities at all our events. Someone’s a little mad that no one actually wants him there. Are we forgetting that we literally cut North Lot from the grapevine? You know, you could try working on yourself before ruining relationships for other people.

South Lot starts vehemently sobbing and dry heaving. North Lot gets into a power stance. When Mrs. Kurtis and Mr. Ceekel aren’t looking, South Lot stomps on North Lot, who promptly collapses on the floor due to his skinny stature. South Lot purposefully flails around, slumping over Mrs. Kurtis’s desk.  

SL: I can’t believe you just hit me! I thought we were being professional!

NL: [blubbering] I-I-I hit you? You stomped on my foot, you good-for-nothing low-life zero-plot! Yeah, that’s what you are, a zero-plot. No one wants to park there, they’re just forced to.   

SL: Of course you would deflect the blame. And resorting to playground insults? So typical!

MK: Both of you, please calm down. It is not this serious. You can preserve the friendship, because that will last longer than this small sleepover. Let’s reflect on our actions as a group, please.

Unfortunately, our microphones cut out here. Further investigative journalism by 006 and 008 revealed that North Lot and South Lot had a secret competitor the whole time: the Teacher Parking Lot. Looks like that’s where the senior sleepover will be hosted. Upon learning this information, North Lot and South Lot had some interesting plans for the future; looks like they’ve gotten over their differences and have since created a parking lot union. 

006 and 008 signing off.