by Coo Rootenburg (’26), Adleyhay Afay (’26), and Oar Anahas (’26) | April 15, 2024

Show up to school and get hounded by your teachers? Find yourself stuck in detention too often? Go to Student Activities every week? And it’s all because you’ve lost your lanyard once again. But suffer no longer, as the Saint Francis technology department has been secretly developing a brand new device that will solve all your problems.

Following this year’s latest addition to the dress code, the mandatory wearing of student IDs, the Saint Francis campus has been afflicted with stressed students and frustrated faculty. In a recent poll of the student body, a whopping 98% reported that they misplace their lanyards an average of three times per week. “Just last Tuesday, I realized I didn’t have my ID in religion class. Turns out it was in my backpack, which would have been nice to know before I searched the entire school and got a new one,” shared Saint Francis student Fir Getfol (’26). Nonetheless, the student ID policy is important, and its implementation plays a crucial role in the safety of our school. However, many teachers are growing tired of having to constantly remind their students to wear their lanyard. In an experiment, Mr. Bob Lautenslager tallied how often students violate this aspect of the dress code. The results were stupefying—in one school day, 99 students claimed to have lost their lanyard or “left it at home.”

The new device is a pin and app cleverly named Find My Lanyard. The device is a sleek, stainless steel pin with a built-in tracker. The pin effortlessly attaches to and camouflages with your lanyard. After downloading the app on Self Service, you can link your pin with the app. When you lose your lanyard, open the app and click the alert on your lanyard. Once the alert has been transmitted, the pin turns a bright, neon yellow and begins to chant “Ave Crux, Ave Crux.” The chant terminates only once the user has found their lanyard and replies with “Spes Unica.”

In an interview with The Lancer, Destrack Ted (’26) shared her experience beta testing the device to ensure its sublime performance. “This device changed my life,” she exclaimed, “I’m never going to get detention again!” She gave Find My Lanyard a five-star rating and believes that it is the greatest app to ever be on Self Service. 

Keep your eyes peeled for the new Find My Lanyard pin and app to drop in Lancer Locker and Self Service respectively. The pin and app together cost $99.99. Use code APRILFOOLS to get 1% off during the first minute of this exciting drop.

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.