Every year, The Lancer publishes an April Fools’ Day edition disguised as a regular issue of the paper, designed to trick unwitting freshmen and make upperclassmen and faculty laugh. We present to you The Laughter.
Saint Francis teacher wins an incredibly underwhelming award
by Carol Donnell, undercover contributing writer | April 15, 2024 Last Friday night, on the hoppin’ outskirts of Sacramento, all eyes were riveted on the makeshift stage in the front of the El Dorado Room of the Roseville Best Western. The earlier honors had been distributed to various writers of fanfiction, but now the time…
Saint Francis develops revolutionary new app, Find My Lanyard
by Coo Rootenburg (’26), Adleyhay Afay (’26), and Oar Anahas (’26) | April 15, 2024 Show up to school and get hounded by your teachers? Find yourself stuck in detention too often? Go to Student Activities every week? And it’s all because you’ve lost your lanyard once again. But suffer no longer, as the Saint…
The Jostens Hands: professional clappers for your walk
by Super Senior | April 15, 2024 The big day is coming soon. You’ve worked long days and nights for this moment, filling out your notecards, completing random formative assignments, actually taking notes in class when you could have been playing Snake. And it all leads to this moment: your walk to receive your diploma.…
EXCLUSIVE: St. Franny advice column receives sorrowful letters from Eggers Innovation Center and Welcome Center
by 006 and 008 | April 15, 2024 A couple months ago, The Lancer launched its very own advice column. Open to everyone and everything with an overwhelming problem, Dear St. Franny has been flooded with submissions. Who knew that the very thing the Saint Francis community lacked was the sage advice of The Lancer?…
Winston to participate in celebrity cook-off against Gordon Ramsay
by Cook E. Luvr | April 15, 2024 Saint Francis High School’s very own Winston Wint made headlines after celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay mentioned him in his recent X post, challenging him to a cook-off. The 57-year-old Hell’s Kitchen star responded to a resurfaced video online, in which senior Kasper Halevy (’24) boasted about Winston’s…
Ghost of the 100 building wreaks havoc
by Casper Hundo and Julius Ceasar in the Freezer | April 1, 2023 An angry ghost seemingly exposed by the demolition of the 100 building has terrorized Saint Francis for the past month, creating chaos for students and educators alike. The beloved 100 building was razed at the start of the year, coinciding with the…
EXCLUSIVE: incendiary letters between Legacy and Brother Fisher intercepted
by 006 and 008 | April 1, 2023 While the Lancer community has been focusing on the brand new Eggers Innovation Center, The Lancer intercepted some eye-opening letters between the football field, Brother Fisher Field, and the softball field, Legacy Field. After carefully considering the ethics of releasing these letters because of privacy laws surrounding…
The swinging solution to lunchtime boredom
by Simple Simon | April 1, 2023 Ever since the downsizing of the Quad, the creation of the Urban Bloc, and the removal of the terraced picnic table area due to the construction of the Eggers Innovation Center and the Welcome Center, many students have opted to sit on the turf by the track. This…
Holy Crocs!: a dress code debacle-crocle
by CrocELLA and Lyle, Lyle the Crocodile | April 1, 2023 On the eve of yet another alteration to the Saint Francis Dress Code, students noticed a particularly surprising addition—Crocs. According to an amendment instituted by the Board of Directors after months of deliberation, Saint Francis students must adorn their feet with their most classy…
Malfunctioning ceiling charging cable unveils sinister, clandestine plans
by Wrun A. Wai Kourd | April 1, 2023 Ever since the opening of the Eggers Innovation Center, students have marveled at the charging ports installed in the ceilings of many second-floor science classrooms. Recently, however, some daring students made a discovery about this classroom feature that has sent shockwaves throughout the student body. The…
Saint Francis’ very own Capitol Hill: political Student Council elections
by KITARA | April 1, 2023 With the results of the 2023 Associated Student Body election finally and fully released, Saint Francis is proud to have had the opportunity to conduct an exercise of democracy on such a large scale. But with voter turnout hovering at less than one percent, discussions have been raised over…
New virus sweeps through Saint Francis
by B. Rizz and Hella Slaie | April 1, 2023 A new health crisis has penetrated the halls of Saint Francis High School, and no amount of Clorox wipes or contact tracing can help defend our beloved campus. Scientists in Room 523 recently identified a new virus. In accordance with its sudden onset symptoms and…
“Chech Plus” program to be implemented at Saint Francis
by chechluvrs<3 | April 1, 2023 Mr. Michael Chechelnitsky was recently identified as the school’s leader in innovation this year—a well-deserved title given his tireless dedication to pushing the boundaries of math in his classes. Indeed, after learning LaPlace transformations in one of his math classes, some students were motivated to start a quest centered…
Students with “Saint Francis” lanyards hanging from their pockets found mysteriously tangled together
by Nissan Altima (’22) | April 1, 2022 Tragedy recently struck when twenty Saint Francis seniors rushing to the parking lot after school were entangled by their lanyards. One of Saint Francis’s most revered and time-honored traditions is for new drivers to purchase a lanyard from the Lancer Locker. The lanyards gracefully dangling from students’…
Two hundred Saint Francis students wiping turf off their posteriors tapped for Carnegie Hall residency
by Hahnz Immur and Jun W. Leamz | April 1, 2022 Two hundred Saint Francis students were recently invited to play at the world-renowned Carnegie Hall after a fire drill left the entire school wiping turf off their back ends. The turf on the football field, where the evacuation drill was held, notoriously sticks to…
An open letter to the 300 building construction site
April 1, 2022 My Dearest Construction, You beckon my attention with your imposing, obstreperous clangs. As I try to calculate the acceleration of a car during my physics test at 8:23 A.M., I hear your incessant drilling, your thunderous hammering, and your omnipresent shrieks. Like a whale with echolocation, I sense your vibrations and abandon…
Top ten inspirational quotes by Saint Francis teachers
by Aye N. Spire and Mo T. Vay-Shunal | April 1, 2022 Every Saint Francis educator’s goal is to help their students learn and discover a passion. Certain staff members are known to have quite idiosyncratic methods for motivating their classes. From humor to utter confusion, Saint Francis’s faculty sure know how to keep their…
Horoscopes: the week of April 1, 2022
April 1, 2022 Aries (March 21 to April 19): It’s Aries season! This is your time to shine brighter than phone flashlights at a Pitbull concert. Maybe you can finally channel some of that creativity into creating your own Instagram captions for Spring Break. Pitbull was talking about you when he said, “Been there, done…
Innovation Center subcontractors design air conditioning systems in accordance with Ikezi’s gargantuan head
by Carol Donnell, undercover contributing writer | April 1, 2022 The soon-to-be-finished Innovation Center will be a truly magnificent building, filled with classrooms, labs, and open collaborative spaces. In good news for those accustomed to the broiling conditions of the current 100 building, almost the entire Center will have air conditioning. Unfortunately, one room in…
SHOCKING: leaked document reveals new policies regarding summative grades
by Bobert Woodward, investigative reporter | April 1, 2022 At Saint Francis, grade curving is always welcomed — but not anymore. Beginning in the 2022-23 school year, three new policies will be implemented regarding summative grades, according to a leaked half-page memo from the Office of Student Stress titled “The New Curve.” The first policy…
Lancerdle #1
April 1, 2022 Can you solve The Lancer’s first ever spin on Wordle? If you solve the Lancerdle in three tries or less, email newspaper@sfhs.com a screenshot of your victory for a grand prize! If it’s over three tries, keep it to yourself. mywordle.strivemath.com/?word=wgcnonc This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the…
Speech and Debate Team forced to replace “Mamma Mia!” cast after choir and band students prepare for Scotland trip to visit Shrek
by Quinn Quire and Barry D. Bates | April 1, 2022 The Saint Francis choir and band were ecstatic to receive news last week that they will be graced with the presence of Shrek during their trip to Scotland next year. The announcement brought tears to the eyes of many. “I’ve always wanted to meet…
Movie, TV, and music recommendations from math teacher Mr. Michael Chechelnitsky
by chech4ever and chechluvrs<3 | April 1, 2022 Mr. Mike Chechelnitsky is undoubtedly one of the most beloved educators at this school. From teaching math to coaching water polo, Mr. Chech has inspired many students of Saint Francis. As the most loyal members of his fanclub, we have taken it upon ourselves to compile a…
BREAKING: New zoomative grades expected soon
by Chris Bumstead, undercover investigator | March 30, 2021 Ah, the joys of virtual learning. For over a year, we have been able to wake up and then go back to bed—for school. We might deny it, but it’s no lie that most of us have, at least at one time or another, attended school…
NASA unveils its latest rover’s unimaginable success: navigating the landscape of Ikezi’s head
by Carol Donnell, undercover contributing writer | March 30, 2021 Scientists and engineers at the NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, in Pasadena, California, rejoiced this past Thursday when a decade of planning and high-tech engineering paid off: The space agency landed its first rover on a rocky patch of land in the northern hemisphere of the…
Portable classroom on the loose!
by Wheelie Williams and Rollanda Reynolds | March 30, 2021 In the summer of 2020, St. Francis added portable classrooms across the campus to accommodate ongoing construction in the 300 building. On Saturday, March 27, however, the portable classroom housing Room 112 near the chapel mysteriously disappeared, leaving cars crushed and faculty members confused. Just…
Saint Francis’s very own @sfhs_activities invited to join the Hype House
by Charlotte D’Anelio and Dixon D’Anelio, TikTok veterans | March 30, 2021 A new social media sensation emerges from the shadows. Saint Francis’s very own @sfhs_activities went viral last week when one of their hilarious Instagram reels amassed over 10 trillion views, launching the account into stardom. The video featured many Saint Francis teachers such…
Horoscopes: the week of April 1, 2021
March 30, 2021 Aries (March 21 to April 19): It’s your time to shine! Now that you are in the spotlight again, use it! Channel your passion and headstrong personality to make yourself the center of attention for the next month and make everyone else resent you. Taurus (April 20 to May 20): It’s Aries…
Crossword craze
March 30, 2021 Can you solve this incredibly difficult crossword? It’s challenging, we know. Email newspaper@sfhs.com for the answer key once you inevitably accept defeat. https://crosswordlabs.com/embed/set-crossword This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.
The best places to cry on campus
by Em O. Shunal and Brae K. Doun | March 30, 2021 School is, plainly put, stressful. Whatever the reason may be, we all cry, especially thanks to those irksome high school hormones coursing through us everyday. With the return to campus in the hybrid schedule, we thought we’d compile a list of the best…
Researchers discover new COVID-19 symptom among infected teens
by Aunty Vax, pharmaceutical professional | March 30, 2021 No student is stranger to the fact that the past year disrupted the traditional academic cycle. Unable to meet with teachers and peers, take part in activities, or take standardized tests, high-schoolers faced several unprecedented challenges regarding college admissions. “I was especially worried about my SATs…
How to pass every English class at Saint Francis ever
by Pun-dit LaBlague | March 30, 2021 Do your excuses for late work ever feel staler than a piece of catcher-in-the-rye bread? Are they as old and pruny as a raisin in the sun? Do you feel wald-en by your teacher’s scrutiny and think a little civil disobedience could do you some good? If things…
BREAKING: Major changes on the way in grade calculation
by Carl Bernstein, investigative reporter | April 29, 2020 For Saint Francis students, one of the best feelings at the end of a semester is receiving a percentage grade that rounds up to a higher letter grade. For instance, a 79.58% rounds up to 80%, raising a C+ to a B-, and a 92.50% rounds…
Coolest kids on the block (schedule)
by Violet Browne, block schedule bemoaner | April 29, 2020 Thanks to Saint Francis’s block schedule, classes meet every other day, providing students with a flexible schedule that helps them develop good time-management skills for college and beyond. Gold (G) days also allow collaboration time for students to sleep in, ask teachers for help, or…
CA man wins ITLAVG competition, OMG!
by Carol Donnell, undercover contributing writer | April 29, 2020 Teacher Chihiro Ikezi may seem to be in especially high spirits this week, thanks to having won, after a week of competition, an important and esteemed honor yesterday. After five days, fifteen interviews, and seven grueling impromptu speeches, Ikezi won this year’s prestigious International Talk…
Teacher feuds revealed
by Dora T. Explorer | April 29, 2020 Within the Lancer Community, a number of competitive rivalries have formed between teachers. Quite frankly, these are just rumors; the teachers at Saint Francis do get along quite well. However, let’s just say that sometimes one teacher’s point of view is drastically different from the reality of…
Exclusive interview with Mr. Chech
April 29, 2020 This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.
Saint Francis best seller list
April 29, 2020 A pun-damental reading list curated for Saint Francis try-hards and teachers’ pets Lautenslagerhouse-Five Parry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone The Gibbs of Wrath This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.
Fun and games
April 29, 2020 These spot-the-difference games are getting really hard! Can you spot the differences? (It’s challenging, we know.) There are precisely 18.2 differences between these two pictures. Email newspaper@sfhs.com with a complete list for a special prize! Solve the maze for Lancer praise! Enjoy this fun and easy maze for mindful relaxation. If you…
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