The Laughter

Every year, The Lancer publishes an April Fools’ Day edition disguised as a regular issue of the paper, designed to trick unwitting freshmen and make upperclassmen and faculty laugh. We present to you The Laughter.

An open letter to the 300 building construction site

April 1, 2022 My Dearest Construction, You beckon my attention with your imposing, obstreperous clangs. As I try to calculate the acceleration of a car during my physics test at 8:23 A.M., I hear your incessant drilling, your thunderous hammering, and your omnipresent shrieks. Like a whale with echolocation, I sense your vibrations and abandon…

Top ten inspirational quotes by Saint Francis teachers

by Aye N. Spire and Mo T. Vay-Shunal | April 1, 2022 Every Saint Francis educator’s goal is to help their students learn and discover a passion. Certain staff members are known to have quite idiosyncratic methods for motivating their classes. From humor to utter confusion, Saint Francis’s faculty sure know how to keep their…

Horoscopes: the week of April 1, 2022

April 1, 2022 Aries (March 21 to April 19): It’s Aries season! This is your time to shine brighter than phone flashlights at a Pitbull concert. Maybe you can finally channel some of that creativity into creating your own Instagram captions for Spring Break. Pitbull was talking about you when he said, “Been there, done…

SHOCKING: leaked document reveals new policies regarding summative grades

by Bobert Woodward, investigative reporter | April 1, 2022 At Saint Francis, grade curving is always welcomed — but not anymore. Beginning in the 2022-23 school year, three new policies will be implemented regarding summative grades, according to a leaked half-page memo from the Office of Student Stress titled “The New Curve.”  The first policy…

Lancerdle #1

April 1, 2022 Can you solve The Lancer’s first ever spin on Wordle? If you solve the Lancerdle in three tries or less, email newspaper@sfhs.com a screenshot of your victory for a grand prize! If it’s over three tries, keep it to yourself. mywordle.strivemath.com/?word=wgcnonc This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the…

Movie, TV, and music recommendations from math teacher Mr. Michael Chechelnitsky

by chech4ever and chechluvrs<3 | April 1, 2022 Mr. Mike Chechelnitsky is undoubtedly one of the most beloved educators at this school. From teaching math to coaching water polo, Mr. Chech has inspired many students of Saint Francis. As the most loyal members of his fanclub, we have taken it upon ourselves to compile a…

BREAKING: New zoomative grades expected soon

by Chris Bumstead, undercover investigator | March 30, 2021 Ah, the joys of virtual learning. For over a year, we have been able to wake up and then go back to bed—for school. We might deny it, but it’s no lie that most of us have, at least at one time or another, attended school…

Portable classroom on the loose!

by Wheelie Williams and Rollanda Reynolds | March 30, 2021 In the summer of 2020, St. Francis added portable classrooms across the campus to accommodate ongoing construction in the 300 building. On Saturday, March 27, however, the portable classroom housing Room 112 near the chapel mysteriously disappeared, leaving cars crushed and faculty members confused. Just…

Saint Francis’s very own @sfhs_activities invited to join the Hype House

by Charlotte D’Anelio and Dixon D’Anelio, TikTok veterans | March 30, 2021 A new social media sensation emerges from the shadows. Saint Francis’s very own @sfhs_activities went viral last week when one of their hilarious Instagram reels amassed over 10 trillion views, launching the account into stardom. The video featured many Saint Francis teachers such…

Horoscopes: the week of April 1, 2021

March 30, 2021 Aries (March 21 to April 19): It’s your time to shine! Now that you are in the spotlight again, use it! Channel your passion and headstrong personality to make yourself the center of attention for the next month and make everyone else resent you. Taurus (April 20 to May 20): It’s Aries…

The best places to cry on campus

by Em O. Shunal and Brae K. Doun | March 30, 2021 School is, plainly put, stressful. Whatever the reason may be, we all cry, especially thanks to those irksome high school hormones coursing through us everyday. With the return to campus in the hybrid schedule, we thought we’d compile a list of the best…

Researchers discover new COVID-19 symptom among infected teens

by Aunty Vax, pharmaceutical professional | March 30, 2021 No student is stranger to the fact that the past year disrupted the traditional academic cycle. Unable to meet with teachers and peers, take part in activities, or take standardized tests, high-schoolers faced several unprecedented challenges regarding college admissions.  “I was especially worried about my SATs…

How to pass every English class at Saint Francis ever

by Pun-dit LaBlague | March 30, 2021 Do your excuses for late work ever feel staler than a piece of catcher-in-the-rye bread? Are they as old and pruny as a raisin in the sun? Do you feel wald-en by your teacher’s scrutiny and think a little civil disobedience could do you some good? If things…

BREAKING: Major changes on the way in grade calculation

by Carl Bernstein, investigative reporter | April 29, 2020 For Saint Francis students, one of the best feelings at the end of a semester is receiving a percentage grade that rounds up to a higher letter grade. For instance, a 79.58% rounds up to 80%, raising a C+ to a B-, and a 92.50% rounds…

Coolest kids on the block (schedule)

by Violet Browne, block schedule bemoaner | April 29, 2020 Thanks to Saint Francis’s block schedule, classes meet every other day, providing students with a flexible schedule that helps them develop good time-management skills for college and beyond. Gold (G) days also allow collaboration time for students to sleep in, ask teachers for help, or…

CA man wins ITLAVG competition, OMG!

by Carol Donnell, undercover contributing writer | April 29, 2020 Teacher Chihiro Ikezi may seem to be in especially high spirits this week, thanks to having won, after a week of competition, an important and esteemed honor yesterday. After five days, fifteen interviews, and seven grueling impromptu speeches, Ikezi won this year’s prestigious International Talk…

Teacher feuds revealed

by Dora T. Explorer | April 29, 2020 Within the Lancer Community, a number of competitive rivalries have formed between teachers. Quite frankly, these are just rumors; the teachers at Saint Francis do get along quite well. However, let’s just say that sometimes one teacher’s point of view is drastically different from the reality of…

Exclusive interview with Mr. Chech

April 29, 2020 This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.

Saint Francis best seller list

April 29, 2020 A pun-damental reading list curated for Saint Francis try-hards and teachers’ pets Lautenslagerhouse-Five Parry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone The Gibbs of Wrath This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.

Fun and games

April 29, 2020 These spot-the-difference games are getting really hard! Can you spot the differences? (It’s challenging, we know.) There are precisely 18.2 differences between these two pictures. Email newspaper@sfhs.com with a complete list for a special prize! Solve the maze for Lancer praise! Enjoy this fun and easy maze for mindful relaxation. If you…

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.