by 006 and 008 | April 15, 2024

A couple months ago, The Lancer launched its very own advice column. Open to everyone and everything with an overwhelming problem, Dear St. Franny has been flooded with submissions. Who knew that the very thing the Saint Francis community lacked was the sage advice of The Lancer? However, recently Dear St. Franny was confronted with a concerning worry from our very own Eggers Innovation Center. The full letter is attached below: 

Dear St. Franny,

I’m in dire need of help. A new building, called the Welcome Center, is being built and furnished to join my school community, and everyone’s attention is on it! I used to be special like that, you know. The students would marvel at my construction every day for two years, but now I’ve been pushed aside for a knock-off version of me. Her blueprints were designed off of mine. Her exterior is made up of the materials that were first ordered for me. She is fundamentally second place! Still, that’s not what everyone at school thinks. I even heard the 200 building whispering to 600 at our last party that they were excited about the Welcome Center’s arrival so that they would finally have a fourth person to play Monopoly! I’ve told them multiple times that I can play Monopoly instead of her, but I’ve been banned from their group because I’m “too competitive.” What a lie! It’s not my fault they’re not innovative enough to understand they should always go for Park Place first. But regardless, St. Franny, I’m simply terrified at the thought of the Welcome Center’s opening. Just the thought of seeing my students enter her doors makes me break out in a cold sweat. For more than a year now the spotlight has been on me! It’s been my walls on the official Saint Francis Instagram, my rooms raved about on the website. All my hard work, all gone to waste because of a “newer and shinier” building. Preposterous, I say! How materialistic my peers are. I’ll admit to you, St. Franny, I fear that when the opening of the Welcome Center comes, everyone will praise her clean exterior and compare her premises to mine. I’m wonderful and amazing, of course, but I’m also well-worn. The students have used my amenities hundreds of thousands of times, and not everything is always in tip-top shape. In fact, just last week, my white walls were stained with red and blue markers! I know you must be thinking, oh my god, the Innovation Center is insecure?! Even though it may seem like I am wise and supremely innovative and one might even say, godly, I too have worries just like everyone else. And my biggest worry these days, St. Franny, is about the Welcome Center. How do I get the school’s attention to focus on me again? Any and all advice is much appreciated.

“Shunned and Sad”,

The Innovation Center

The staff of The Lancer was stunned at the reveal of this secret feud between the Eggers Innovation Center and the Welcome Center. We must admit, it was shocking to hear that the Eggers Innovation Center had thoughts of itself that were not of the grandiose variety! In order to gather evidence and write a proper exposé, members of The Lancer staff were assigned to spy around campus and scour for any relevant information. On one of these expeditions, one of our prized editors, Ticon Deroga, intercepted a letter from the Welcome Center to the Eggers Innovation Center! Its contents are truly appalling: 

Dear Eggers Innovation Center,

I am eagerly counting down the days when I can shed myself of this hideous mask and unveil my true identity to you! I can imagine it’s been exhausting for you to stay up during long nights, just wondering what I look like. Truth be told, I wish I had a mirror sometimes as well—it would cheer me up just by reflecting the sight of me! I kid, I kid. You know me—I love a good old-fashioned joke. Although, look who I’m speaking to! You know old-fashioned quite well, don’t you? I’m sure you can’t wait to get out of the spotlight; I mean all the fancy-schmancy tours you had to endure, all the people throwing backhanded compliments at your beige interiors, and more. It must have been so tiring. I know people would enjoy me, seeing as I’m more—well—welcoming. But alas, I’m getting ahead of myself—look at me, only talking about myself again! Really, Welcome Center, pull it together! I do hope you’ll look out for me, Innovation. I’m sure you could give me some tips on how to block out the rowdy kids in the morning screaming in your walls, or how to deal with the constant nagging attention. Then again, I suppose I’ll have to deal with it far longer than you, considering I’m the “welcome” center and all. It must be nice to be forgotten, to be able to assimilate so easily with the rest of the campus. Considering they’re building me to stand out and all, I won’t have the same opportunity. How unfortunate, truly. There’s nothing I want more than to just hide and be one of the buildings, you know? Take a look at the 600 building for instance, I mean I don’t even know its name! What a fantastic life to live! 

Your future friend,

The Welcome Center

We at The Lancer have noticed a festering problem of the Saint Francis facilities feeling hostility toward each other! That is so against our core BRIC values. While we have reported this issue to Saint Francis’s school board, no solution has been thought of yet. As a revered club on campus, however, The Lancer staff proposed weekly SEL Advisory classes for all the Saint Francis facilities, led by our principal, Ms. Katie Teekell! We are confident that the facilities could learn from Advisory’s valuable lessons of respect and inclusion. 

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.