“Writer Swap” is a collaboration with other Holy Cross high school newspapers. We will work with editors from Holy Cross High School of San Antonio, Texas and San Juan Diego Catholic High School of Austin, Texas to hear stories and traditions from their schools and see the differences in various Holy Cross institutions.
As I began to write this article, I knew that I wanted to tell a story that would demonstrate the strength of my faith. I specifically wanted to paint a picture that made my faith seem unwavering; however, the more I wrote, the more I saw how completely untrue that was. I realized that I actually want to share my authentic story, one that may sound familiar to many—a story of struggling faith that is far from perfect, and how the people I’ve met at Holy Cross of San Antonio have brought me to exactly where I need to be.
Ever since I was welcomed to Holy Cross as a sixth grader, I’ve seen the school admirably uphold the tenets of the Church. I always felt encouraged to seek God through tradition and Scripture, but I often found myself yearning for something different. I dealt with constant curiosity and confusion, and could never see religion as anything beyond sin, judgment, and the pursuit of perfection; this is where I began to question everything. I found myself dozing off during Mass, confused at the parables and their lengthiness. My developing adolescent mind had so many questions to which I would never quite receive a direct answer.
It would take me until my junior year to find the support system I needed, when my best friend and I started a girls’ Bible study group. Doing this together helped, because alone, I felt no authority to encourage people’s faith while I was lost on my own journey. Being with this group gave me a sense of belonging: we shared our own experiences with hardship and we each had our own voice. I remember our moderator asking us one morning, “Where do you think your relationship with God is right now?” This question made me wonder: How were we supposed to know? When did we know when our relationship was good enough?
Then, our moderator reminded us of something that will resonate with me forever: we had all chosen to come to Bible study that morning instead of staying in bed. We all opened our hearts, even if we were scared. We shared our struggles when we felt the weakest, and that was the bravest thing we could have done. I didn’t realize it at the time, but just being there with each other was more than enough.
From that day on, I began to see things differently. The big revelation I had been searching for didn’t exist. Instead of looking for a grand sign or a singular moment of clarity, I started to focus on smaller everyday experiences. The immense guilt I had once felt around my faith began to ebb. I’ve never felt prouder to be at Holy Cross when hearing the girls here speak so eloquently and wisely. I started noticing God everywhere—when my theology teachers passionately retold Bible stories, when my friends and I laughed in the library a little too loud, when my teammates asked to pray before a volleyball game, when I conditioned for softball.
The love I was searching for was always there, just waiting for me to see it. My time at Holy Cross hasn’t transformed me into my perception of the “ideal follower” of Christ, but instead, it has surrounded me with people that have made me more faithful through their love. This school showed me that the strength of faith came through the people who guided me through my struggles. Here at Holy Cross, I have been accepted at every point in my faith journey.
I have learned that your relationship with God does not have to look like everyone else’s. It’s okay to be behind, confused, or doubtful. All you need is a community to embrace you through that process. Through the love and guidance of my Holy Cross community, I’ve realized that God never asked me to figure everything out: all He asked me to do was try.
