The Laughter Online

Saint Francis’ very own Capitol Hill: political Student Council elections

by KITARA| April 1, 2023

Art by Matthew Tran (’23)

With the results of the 2023 Associated Student Body election finally and fully released, Saint Francis is proud to have had the opportunity to conduct an exercise of democracy on such a large scale. But with voter turnout hovering at less than one percent, discussions have been raised over how Saint Francis can increase engagement with the student populace. 

Through studies, double-blind experiments, and investigations, administrators have discovered a new and improved model for student council elections: mirroring real-life political proceedings. 

From televised public debates to gerrymandering, Student Council elections in 2023 and beyond will now carry with them the same dignity that is so well-associated with our government—weekly meetings have been replaced with congressional sessions, candidates now run for office by aligning themselves with parties, and simple paper posters are expected to be overshadowed by the rise of big-budget political campaigns. 

Potential Student Council hopeful Triz Luss (’49), known for her forty-nine-day stint as line leader in third grade, ascribes her interest in joining the council to the opportunities provided by this new system: “I’ve always dreamed of leveraging the resources of a super PAC in a Student Council election. Now, it’s no longer a dream but rather an endorsed possibility.”

To select candidates, voting will now be conducted via districts. However, each district’s size is up to the elected students’ discretion. “I think that it would be best for the Lancer community if only people present in the pool on Election Day could vote,”  said water polo player Mander Jerry (’23). “A lot of my opponents have said that it would put undue burdens on voting, but everyone has a pair of swimming trunks, and if you don’t have them, that sounds like a you problem. Just buy them and then get in the pool.” 

A few changes have already been made to current Student Council meetings as Saint Francis transitions to this new system. For instance, new regulations on debate have allowed council representatives to filibuster proposals they disagree with. In response to this new opportunity, the library faculty have kindly offered to bring a collection of children’s stories to every meeting in case a council member were to run out of speaking material. Some council members are beyond ecstatic about campus support for their activities, with senior Tedh Crooz (’23) remarking, “Filibustering has always been an integral part of our democracy, and I’m so glad that Saint Francis is finally embracing it.” 

However, this growth in political possibilities for candidates has also been met with increased coverage from The Lancer—as expected of any official publication. Only last year, The Lancer released the Quadrilateral Papers, which detailed the attempts by previous Student Council representative Nichard Rixon (’74) to hide his involvement in making the turf in the Quad perpetually soggy. To make matters worse, The Lancer has also unearthed distressing examples of pork barrel spending among Student Council incumbents who have pushed for creating hot-tub suites along the football field for their supporters. 

Nevertheless, the great possibilities enabled by the new frontiers of political engagement with this system will probably…hopefully…maybe outweigh the harms. The next few months are critical to see how Lancers respond to the changes, hopefully positively to increase engagement.

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.

Categories: The Laughter Online

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