The Laughter Online

New virus sweeps through Saint Francis

by B. Rizz and Hella Slaie | April 1, 2023

Mr. Ikezi as one of the latest infected, pictured taking a 0.5 photo. Photography by Arhana Aatresh (’23)

A new health crisis has penetrated the halls of Saint Francis High School, and no amount of Clorox wipes or contact tracing can help defend our beloved campus. Scientists in Room 523 recently identified a new virus. In accordance with its sudden onset symptoms and tendency to infect those susceptible to social media influence, the virus has been named “Scrum dilly yum yum a burr burr” (SDYYABB). 

The Lancer Department of Defense Against Infectious Diseases (LDDAID) reported that the virus is almost twice as contagious as the coronavirus and is most easily transmitted by close contact with an infected person for more than thirty seconds. Head disease scientist of LDDAID and Saint Francis graduate, Dr. Krizz Boujee (’02), explained the virus’s transmission in an interview last night after a stellar showing of Ferris Buller’s Day Off in the Quad. 

“This virus is a tragedy. It sneakily infects those completely oblivious to its effects—teachers and the elderly are especially vulnerable to harm. Once infected, individuals must undergo a strict fourteen-day detoxing process, giving up all electronics and quarantining themselves with books. This is the only proven and effective method for getting rid of SDYYABB. Unlike the coronavirus, SDYYABB is harder to eliminate from children’s systems. It’s almost like SDYYABB gaslights its victims into permanent submission. We are currently looking to start clinical trials for other proposed remedies. Interested volunteers can contact our rent-free offices in Popoff Lane.” 

Dr. Boujee insists that the disease can be controlled and is certainly not the worst ailment to plague the halls of Saint Francis.

Dr. Boujee also encourages the general public to be on high alert, emphasizing that it is possible that those infected may develop an incessant obsession with affirmative language and phrases. Lancers have reportedly been using “slay” more frequently as a compliment towards people generally excelling. Most notably, “slay” is used in conversation to express enthusiasm or affection: “he is so slay,” “slay girl,” and “slay queen girl boss.” 

An infected student believed to be patient zero, who was interviewed from afar (of course) and preferred to preserve their anonymity with the pseudonym Esme Nugget (’24), said, “After I realized what was happening to the people around me, I was shook. It’s just not the vibe, you know? But the longer I think about it, the more I stan my SDYYABB era. I never want to go back. I don’t even remember what life was like before. Everyone should embrace the change—10/10 I recommend.”

In response to this new outbreak, some teachers have taken an accusatory stance. Rumors are spreading that the virus may be a fraud constructed by juniors trying to end the semester early. Economics teacher Sleigh Belles commented, “I want the world to know that I will be the first person to prove that this disease is nothing but a hoax orchestrated by those unruly second-semester juniors. We all know they just want to get on with their summer. It’s giving…the boy who cried wolf vibes.” Belles stands firm on his position and hopes to inspire other teachers to be unafraid amidst this uncertainty.

Other SDYYABB symptoms include a tendency to take BeReals without regard for time or place, a daily screen time exceeding seven hours, a strong desire to share superfluous information through Snapchat stories, a dwindling appreciation for reading, an unironic association between crocodiles and Shawn Mendes, and early onset arthritis. Students are advised to remain cautious but still attend school. There is no known method of preventing infection, and all people can do is prepare for another two-week break turned into a year-long vacation.

60% of the student body mentioned experiencing symptoms. Hopefully, teachers can stay safe and not let fear best them! Perhaps SDYYABB will create new connections and bridge the gap between generations—or not.

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.

Categories: The Laughter Online

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