by 006 and 008 | April 1, 2023
While the Lancer community has been focusing on the brand new Eggers Innovation Center, The Lancer intercepted some eye-opening letters between the football field, Brother Fisher Field, and the softball field, Legacy Field. After carefully considering the ethics of releasing these letters because of privacy laws surrounding communication between inanimate objects, The Lancer decided that revealing the sentiments in the letters can only benefit the larger Saint Francis community.
I hope all has been well! I’m writing to check in on you, especially because it is so close to the dawn of Easter break. What do you know, I’ve been weeping day and night about the prospect of no students for nine whole days! I’ll miss the bustle of activity upon me all the time, the feeling of these teenagers and young adults refining their athletics and academics. Though it just occurred to me that you may not feel much of a difference! As we all know, Legacy, you are usually left alone in peace and quiet, even during the most boisterous times of the school year. I will say it’s a lifestyle perfect for introverts—or as I like to affectionately call them, people-who-cannot-attract-platonic-relationships-and-so-they-merely-pretend-they-enjoy-the-dreary-lifestyle!
It’s funny, truly, for I was listening to the charming conversations of the football team the other day, and they could not even remember your name! How curious must it be, to be so mysterious and secretive? I would not know; you have to enlighten me. It’s ironic, really, for despite your name you don’t leave much of a legacy! Oh! Forgive me if I overstepped, and I really mean that. I like to think that me and you, Legacy, are friends, true friends. Friends true enough that we can make these seemingly controversial jabs for pure fun! And as friends, I want you to know, Legacy, that I’m always here for you.
In fact, I have a therapist and four self-help books on hand for you to better understand your situation! The novels have some of the best reviews I could find, as I only recommend the best to my best friend! They are as follows: How to Stop Being Such A Loser and Get Friends by Con Darroll, Quiet Equals Boring by Nade Cethercott, The Secret to Becoming Useful by Smy Aherrard, and Why You Are So Boring and No One Likes You by Maniel Deyer. These wonderful authors with even more wondrous pieces of advice made a hugely impactful name for themselves! Some might say that is even harder than trying and failing to live up to a name perhaps wrongfully gifted to you! But alas, that is just something I heard through the grapevine.
Speaking of the grapevine, did you ever receive your end of the vine? It is the facilities’ little method of communication—these humans may have their finicky little telephones, but that doesn’t mean we institutions cannot speak and socialize ourselves! Oh, you obviously do not know what socializing means. I apologize for my assumption. According to the Oxford Dictionary, to socialize means to participate in social activities! If you haven’t been given your line, it may be because you are so far off from the rest of us! You cannot even come to our weekly dinners! It’s such a happy time, I’ve made so many of my best memories at those social gatherings.
Anyways, look at the time! It seems I’ve gotten off track again, like I always do. Really, where is my mind these days? Back to my original topic. I truly believe these novels and my favorite therapist will do wonders for your mood. As the kiddos are saying these days, you can enter your “healing era.” Aren’t they so precious! I really do wish you had the chance to interact with them more—they can say the darndest of things. Unfortunately, in comparison to my Friday night lights, your turf seems to be just a little less appealing. Do not fret—again, we are friends, close friends, and help is right around the corner! Now, it is 11:00, and I regret to sign off, but the freshmen and sophomores from first lunch are just now arriving and I’m in for a truly exciting forty minutes. Better than any stand-up routine, I guarantee you. Stay safe and healthy!
Your favorite field and friend,
Brother Fisher Field
Dear Brother Fisher Field,
Thank you for those kind words! With Lent coming to an end, I do believe I’ve done my best to uphold my end of the period by promising to be kinder to my friends and to myself! I agree that it must be so tiring to be reminded that you’re only there for show; it makes one feel used—disposable even! While I was built to actually be of function to the students and athletes of our wonderful Saint Francis, you seem to just be…there, in a sense! It’s odd because one would think you would hate to be the cause of a concussion, a torn ACL, a broken leg, or any other injury to the precious students you are always raving about. Gosh, I have always wondered what it is like to be a horrible person! Truth be told, my condolences are always with you, and I constantly pray for you to finally emerge from these delusions of yours–of course, I’m referring to the fact that you think you will be alone for nine days! You and I are old friends, buddy, and quite honestly, I feel sad that you think that I will not be here in your time of need.
I say this because I’ve been thinking about something lately: the fact that people often reference names as being the most significant part of an identity. After all, it practically defines an entity. What must it be like to be referred to only as what people use you for–or worse–be a rip-off of some British sport? “Football field?” I mean, just imagine if some random nerd was referred to as “Homework supplier!” The disrespect and dehumanization you face must be horrendous. I feel so grateful at times of introspection such as these—seeing that I have privileges that others lack really puts things in a different light.
You must know all about light, though. I’m sure you love those blinding white lights that are constantly in your face because all the attention is finally on you! Nevermind the fact that everyone throws baby powder, neon sticks, beach balls, and other godforsaken items on you! While you seem to love having all these people sprawl their bodies on you, I enjoy the alone-time, for it gives me time to think. I love to just think about how well-trimmed I am, about how I never have any litter, about how students respect me, and more!
I know you worry a lot about me—and I do appreciate it—but I think your time could be spent more wisely on yourself! It’s interesting that you mention self-help books, because I recently spoke about my favorites in the genre to the Eggers Innovation Center. They enjoyed How to Get Over Your God-Complex, Superiority Complex, and Narcissistic Tendencies in JUST Ten Days by Ihihiro Ckezi. Another bestseller that I’ve heard is good is Why Does Everyone Hate Me? (Hint: It’s Because You’re Unlikeable!) by Lob Bautenslager! If you ever need to Google what a “narcissist” is because of your limited vocabulary, don’t hesitate! As always, I deeply care for our friendship, so I look forward to your next letter and a review of these books.
We at The Lancer are left reeling and absolutely shocked at the feelings between Brother Fisher Field and Legacy. For so long, both students and faculty have recognized the two as equal, yet we were sadly blind to the animosity festering under our noses. After conversations with the Saint Francis Board, a solution has been reached: from now on, both Brother Fisher Field and Legacy will attend weekly couple’s therapy, where they will be encouraged to settle their differences through discourse and continue as a pair.
In a follow-up, we interview Brother Fisher Field and Legacy Field on their controversial comments. Stay tuned, as we will be updating the public as soon as any news comes up!
This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.
Categories: The Laughter Online
Leave a Reply