by Quinn Quire and Barry D. Bates | April 1, 2022
The Saint Francis choir and band were ecstatic to receive news last week that they will be graced with the presence of Shrek during their trip to Scotland next year. The announcement brought tears to the eyes of many. “I’ve always wanted to meet my hero,” commented Junior Soap Rahno (’23) through running mascara. “He’s at the top of the list for people I’ve wanted to meet since I was born. He’s right above Oprah Winfrey and tied with the new Pinnochio.”
In addition to accompanying the students, Shrek has volunteered to provide tours of Scotland for the Lancers attending the trip and has offered them an option to lodge in his swamp if needed. His swamp, termed “The Muddy Bath House,” received a whopping one and a half stars on Yelp and features one and a half star amenities such as dirty outhouses, slug spas, scented ogrewax candles, and cobweb candies among others. In fact, students are offered a complimentary continental breakfast of worms and snails after waking up from a slimy slumber on the swampy floor.
Lord Farquaad, the presiding officer who oversees the land on which The Muddy Bath House resides, has attested to the quality of the establishment: “I might be small but my love for the bathhouse is enormous.”
Unfortunately, not all members of the Saint Francis community are happy with the ogre-filled trip to Scotland. Many students currently in choir and band were also planning on performing in the upcoming showing of Mamma Mia!, resulting in many vacant roles as once eager participants begin packing their bags for the swampy lands of Scotland a year in advance.
One of the students leaving the musical for the school trip was senior Fiona Ogar, who stated, “It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to meet the rotund green ogre. I’m counting the days till I get to smell the onions lingering on his breath!” she said to The Lancer.
As a result, the speech and debate team has been forced to put down their legal pads and put on hairspray and makeup for Mamma Mia!.
“We’ve competed at some of the toughest tournaments in the nation on topics surrounding complicated foreign and domestic policy issues, but this musical will be the hardest thing we’ve ever done,” said Mr. Foy, one of the moderators of the Speech and Debate team. “I even caught one of the debate captains, who is playing Donna Sheridan, crying backstage after our first practice. Morale is certainly low.”
Many debaters coerced into roles have struggled to drop their presidential speaking styles for their parts, resulting in a meager showing during school practices.
“I feel like I’m watching Congress breaking down over how to read stage directions,” continued Mr. Foy.
Thankfully, hope has risen among the new thespians, as the team begins to learn the ropes of running a musical. “I finally learned what house lights were!” said Public Forum debater Prosand Cons (’24). “Now, I just need to make sure our debate captains learn how to not ruin their makeup when they cry after practice!”
Unfortunately, the musical is far from basic. Mamma Mia! includes a vast repertoire of complex music by Swedish band ABBA that students must sing and play. In addition to the debate team’s limited knowledge of music, their general inflexibility and superiority complexes have rendered them unable to learn from their predecessors; instead, they have chosen to draw wild conclusions about what musical symbols in sheet music could mean.
Public Forum debater Rabutal Jackson (’23) was recorded during practice saying, “This squiggly thing is shorthand for an oncoming recession right?”
Forta Creshando (’23), one of the lucky band members who will be meeting Shrek, stated “The new pit orchestra Keyboard #1 player sent me a video recording of the new pit practicing. Their music will keep me up at night. It haunts me constantly. I have failed to find any medication that will lessen this pain.”
Apart from just instruments, their vocals have proven to be pain-inducing, especially because of their habit of speaking too quickly, or “spreading,” as referred to in the debate world. Most debaters have been recorded singing their pieces at four hundred words a minute, causing the musical to have a run time of just thirty minutes. New Vocal Director Harhm Any (’22) expressed her despair saying, “I do not need any vocal experience to know that we are hopeless. They’re not even acting or trying to sing anymore. They’re just competing over who can speak faster. Every rehearsal is worse than the last. Sometimes I listen to my playlists in the middle of rehearsal to see if I can remember what music actually sounds like.”
All in all, the choir and band plan on enjoying their stay in the swamp, as the debate team continue to fill the theater with their tears.
This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.
Categories: The Laughter Online