The Laughter Online

Horoscopes: the week of April 1, 2022

April 1, 2022

Astrological chart readings show that Saint Francis is in retrograde

Aries (March 21 to April 19): It’s Aries season! This is your time to shine brighter than phone flashlights at a Pitbull concert. Maybe you can finally channel some of that creativity into creating your own Instagram captions for Spring Break. Pitbull was talking about you when he said, “Been there, done that.” 

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): This month, you’ll either lie in bed contributing absolutely nothing to society or write an eight-page paper on why you think One Direction is getting back together. Times New Roman. 12-point font. Double spaced. 

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Kindly gaslight, gatekeep, graduate your way out of here. 

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Tired of lining your shelves with only participation awards? Well, something grand is coming! You will receive a Nobel Prize when scientists discover how to convert all of your complaining into a renewable energy source. Way to save the planet.

Leo (July 23 to August 22): Yes, you’ve already told everyone on this side of the portables that your barber messed up your haircut. No, not a single person noticed. 

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): You’re at a critical point in your adolescence when you’re making a lot of important decisions. Life might seem stressful lately, but tomorrow will be better. Or worse. You decide. Please. Your indecisiveness is starting to make us anxious. Sincerely, the stars.

Libra (September 23 to October 22): The Federation of Astrology Knowledge Experts (FAKE) called. They want you to figure out what “Mercury’s moons are exploding while your stars are aligning with the gravitational aura of Jupiter” means. That might take you a minute, but don’t fret! There’s always the seven-day flexible submission period.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): I know your kindergarten teacher taught you that honesty was the best policy, but next time you start a sentence with “TBH,” take a moment to consider, “What would Ferb say?” Nothing. He would say nothing. 

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): You’re a real risk-taker. Trust me: this is your sign to take the leap and reinvent yourself as a fashion influencer on TikTok. The thrifted cargo pants and bucket hat are giving… clothes!

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Every day, your friend group will sit a little closer to the construction during lunch because even the incessant banging is more interesting than the conversations you have.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): It’s almost the end of the school year, and your inner introvert might be feeling a little nervous about all of the parties you’ll have to attend this summer. Don’t be! We promise you won’t get invited to any in the first place.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): When life gets you down, maybe don’t use your Spotify playlists as the only outlet for expressing your emotions. Unless you’re listening to “My Heart Will Go On” at 3 A.M., no one cares.

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.

Categories: The Laughter Online

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