The Laughter Online

The best places to cry on campus

by Em O. Shunal and Brae K. Doun | March 30, 2021

Unidentified student sobs uncontrollably

School is, plainly put, stressful. Whatever the reason may be, we all cry, especially thanks to those irksome high school hormones coursing through us everyday. With the return to campus in the hybrid schedule, we thought we’d compile a list of the best places to cry on campus.

You first come into the 600s parking lot on a sunny Monday morning with your bike, and you pass by the crowds of students coming out of their cars. You then reach the bike rack to park your bike. Throughout the day, the sun’s extreme love for the bike rack increases, and when you’re dismissed from your last class of the day, the rack has warmed to the point that you can no longer touch the metal without burning yourself. That is when your tears come into play. Cry. Cry your eyes out. One drop, another drop. As the metal meets your salty water, it cools down and you are good to hop on your bike and ride back home. Don’t forget a few drops of tears before you leave the campus! The bike rack would really appreciate them. 

Next up, the famous bay tree. We all know of the huge sprawling tree at the edge of the football field; it’s practically replaced our school’s mascot at this point. Now, you might cry “sacrilege!” at the idea of having a meltdown in front of the benevolent giant. However, hear us out: we love our sunny California weather as much as anybody else, but it cannot be easy enduring hours upon hours of unabashed sun with no possible shade on its poor, roughened bark. So, if you’re going to be opening the waterworks anyway, why not pay it forward and do our favorite arboreal friend a little favor? Maybe both of you will receive some relief from your tears. After all, we all know crying can be a great way to release emotion, and the bay tree is more than happy to be a pal to lean on.

We then lead you to the cafeteria. If you step into the cafeteria, you’ll see a big, clean water fountain where students fill up their trendy yet dangerous Hydroflasks everyday. But you also have to know that this line is super long. So, rather than spending your precious time waiting for the purified water from the water fountain, get your own water from your very own tears. They even contain salt, and we all need a little salt in our lives. Just call it homemade Gatorade! Make sure to fill your water bottle with your tears in the cafeteria so that you can brag to some of your friends waiting for the water fountain’s line to get shorter!

After school, lots of students gravitate towards the snack station by the cafeteria to grab a quick bite before going home or participating in extracurriculars. For your consideration, we’d also like to propose scheduling your breakdowns for this time. Why? It’s simple. The line is often incredibly long, giving you ample time to get it all out and wallow in your emotions. Take advantage of the slow-moving queue and let the tears flow out. Also, by the time you’ve dried out your tear ducts, you’ll probably have just reached the front of the line, where you can treat yourself to a soda and a famous Saint Francis cookie for comfort. Perfect timing, right?

Finally, our last destination is the school pool. I know it sounds unhygienic and embarrassing to cry in front of your swim team or fellow water polo players, but it makes sense, we promise. Firstly, going to swim practice at the end of a long day after being stuck in classes can be emotionally taxing, and letting go of all that pent-up frustration could be just what you need. Second, as an athlete, you need to know your sport through and through. If that means letting your tears fall into the pit of water that you exercise in, then so be it. Embrace it. Be one with the water. Who knows, you might even get better at your sport because of it. And who are we to judge? If it works, it works.

That’s all we’ve got for now. We’d like to say a quick thanks to all of you for coming with us on this tour of our very own Saint Francis campus. Until next time!

This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.

Categories: The Laughter Online

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