by Aunty Vax, pharmaceutical professional | March 30, 2021
No student is stranger to the fact that the past year disrupted the traditional academic cycle. Unable to meet with teachers and peers, take part in activities, or take standardized tests, high-schoolers faced several unprecedented challenges regarding college admissions.
“I was especially worried about my SATs being cancelled,” said junior Helen Hywater. “I was counting on a great score!” Helen expresses a concern echoed by thousands of high school juniors and seniors nationwide. Even with widespread test-optional practices, students were not optimistic about their lack of test scores.
Currently, students in areas of high density and COVID infection rates have restricted access to standardized tests due to cancellations. “I felt so pressured because it was like my one shot,” said Bay Area senior Artie Fischel. These cancellations are slowly becoming less frequent. But the reopenings of SAT and ACT testing centers does not mean the dangers are wholly eliminated.
A recent study by the International Division of Forensic Knowledge looked into a particular COVID-19 outbreak at an SAT testing center in Klamath Falls, Oregon. The high school in question attests that all necessary safety precautions were taken. Nevertheless, 43 out of the 60-odd students present reported COVID-19 symptoms during and after their testing periods. Parents were outraged, criticizing the school for its lack of a thorough screening process. A group of particularly infuriated parents threatened a costly lawsuit soon after the incident went public. Then suddenly, the lawsuit was dropped.
While investigating the lives of the affected students, a team dispatched by the International Division of Forensic Knowledge found that of the 43 infected test-takers, 38 scored above the 99th percentile. Even more, 25 of those students received perfect scores. Bioinformatics team member Adrian Lewis described his reaction to this information as “shocked and astounded. As an amateur scientist, I had a gut feeling that this relationship was more than a random correlation. It is most definitely a cause-effect scenario. Higher SAT scores are a symptom of the COVID-19 virus.”
Lewis led his bioinformatics team in additional conjectures sponsored by the International Division of Forensic Knowledge. The Division hypothesizes that infected students experienced heightened levels of adrenaline while testing, allowing them to get through all the questions. “My throat hurt and my legs were aching,” said an anonymous student involved in the incident. “Honestly, I just wanted to get out of there.”
Some skeptics reason that this “99th percentile” phenomenon may be a case of mass cheating, but the IDFK and Klamath Falls school board affirm their confidence in the academic integrity of the 16 and 17-year olds involved. “After all, teenagers are known for their unwavering honesty,” states district official Marian Kelley. “I’m just so proud that this group of very close friends pushed through their sickness together and received the same amazing score.”
This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.
Categories: The Laughter Online