The Laughter Online

Horoscopes: the week of April 1, 2021

March 30, 2021

Aries (March 21 to April 19): It’s your time to shine! Now that you are in the spotlight again, use it! Channel your passion and headstrong personality to make yourself the center of attention for the next month and make everyone else resent you.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): It’s Aries season right now, and they’re walking around acting like they’re all that, but the real fun will start next month when it’s your time to shine. Use construction paper and tape to fashion bull horns. Wear them on your head in public this week to establish your dominance over all the Aries. 

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): *points finger* Two faced! Two faced! Two faced! 

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Forget those angel numbers, your lucky numbers are 2, 3, 15, and 20. To harness the luckiness of those numbers, anytime you see those numbers this week, move your hands in a claw-snapping motion and yell “CRAB” really loudly. 

Leo (July 23 to August 22): We get it: the weather is getting better, and you can’t wait for summer so that you can wear your new swimsuit to the beach. Shut up.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): It’s the college decision Olympics right now, so have fun with sleeplessness and a small but persistent worry that will never ever go away no matter what you do.

Libra (September 23 to October 22): The full moon was in Libra this weekend, so you may have been feeling more irritation, loneliness, and frustration. To heal, you should apologize to all the people you argued with. We know you won’t, but maybe just consider it for a second.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Be like the scorpion you are and poison the Leos. They’re really getting on my nerves right now. 

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): You might be feeling like it’s time to open a new chapter in your life, to get out of your routine, and do something different. Only two more months left before you can do that! Now go do your homework. 

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): People say you are materialistic, condescending, and a know-it-all. And you are. Stop being that way.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Jupiter is in Aquarius right now. I don’t know what that means.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): You might be feeling like a fish out of water right now, gasping for water but only finding air. Unfortunately it’s not going to rain anytime soon, so… sucks for you.

This article is part of an April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that the content contained therein is fictional.

Categories: The Laughter Online

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s