Starting next semester, students at Saint Francis will no longer be sitting at desks. Instead, they’ll be walking. In a surprise announcement, the administration revealed that every classroom will replace their chairs with high-speed standing treadmills, to require students to keep moving during class.

“We’ve seen studies that show movement increases focus,” said Principal Max Stride. “So we thought, why stop at standing desks? With this new policy, students can get their steps in while learning calculus.”

The decision has prompted mixed reactions. Some students are looking forward to combining school with exercise. Others, not so much.

“I tripped during my English quiz, and now I have a bruise shaped like Shakespeare’s face,” said junior Anita Break. Sophomore Al B. Tired said, “I tried slowing down to read the board, but the treadmill didn’t care. Now I’ve memorized half the lesson through sheer panic.” 

There also have been multiple technical difficulties accompanying the new policy. Senior Mo Mentum told us his treadmill was stuck in “incline mode” for an entire class period. “My legs felt like Jello!” he recalled afterwards. Freshman Will Tripson dramatically recounted the moment his treadmill was stuck in an all-out sprint speed: “I felt like Usain Bolt! The track coach even came up to me after class to recruit me for the team!”

Students have been forced to rethink their school supplies, as traditional backpacks and binders have become impractical. “I tried balancing my laptop on the treadmill, and it slid right off,” said senior Skip Stepper. Some students have resorted to wearing fanny packs to keep their essentials close. “This is not the high school aesthetic I envisioned,” complained junior Ella Vator.

Teachers have their own concerns: most of them being on the noise. “It’s hard enough getting students to pay attention,” said history teacher Mr. Pace Maker. “Now I have to yell over the sound of 30 treadmills running at full speed? Ridiculous!”

To encourage participation, the school announced that P.E. credits will now be awarded based on total miles walked in class. Rumors are also circulating that students who pause for more than thirty seconds will receive an automatic detention for “lack of effort.” Students have reportedly been upping their treadmills’ speeds every time the Dean of Students, Ms. Ima Runnin, walks by their classrooms.

To offset the costs of the new policy, the Science department has developed a system that converts treadmill energy into electricity to power the entire school. However, the system clearly still has its kinks. On Friday, the entire 200s building lost power when half the senior class left for retreat, leaving too few students to keep the lights on.

When asked if teachers would also be required to walk while teaching, the administration declined to comment.