by Cook E. Luvr | April 15, 2024

Saint Francis High School’s very own Winston Wint made headlines after celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay mentioned him in his recent X post, challenging him to a cook-off. The 57-year-old Hell’s Kitchen star responded to a resurfaced video online, in which senior Kasper Halevy (’24) boasted about Winston’s cooking skills: “Winston’s cooking is the best food known to man. Whether it’s the burrito bowl or the pepper steak, I always make sure to rush to the Urban Bloc before my chess tournaments. I mean, I’m not saying I win because of his famous cookies, but let’s just say, I’ve never lost. Can he ship them to Harvard Yard?” 

Though tagged in thousands of videos per day, Ramsay retweeted the video and posted, “Blimey, who is this man? Someone, find him for me because on May 20, I’ll fly to Mountain View to challenge him to a cook-off. May the best chef win.” 

During what is now being referred to as the “Post-Ramsay Craze,” thousands of Bay Area residents flocked to Higgins Field after school hours to meet the man of the hour, Winston Wint. Due to the chaos, Mr. Einstein Navarro has been tasked with guarding the entrance with his trusty golf cart and a handy taser; more information about the eleven detained students can be found on the SFHS website. On one Wednesday, an unnamed tech entrepreneur eager to meet Winston parked in junior Katherine Winton’s unofficial designated parking spot. “I’m usually pretty chill, but don’t park your cybertruck in my spot,” she said. “What’s next, taking away senior jerseys? Oh, wait.” 

Junior Megan Wang was uncharacteristically late to newspaper production week after standing in a seemingly endless line to get Winston’s autograph: “It’s really unfair how SFHS students have to stand in the same line as outside students from Bellarmine, Mitty, and even SI. We should be the first in line, like a Disneyland FastPass.” In response to the chaotic setup, the hospitality interns came up with a Ticketmaster-like queue system. Junior Semira Arora added, “I appreciate the gesture, but the new system takes longer than I waited to get Eras Tour tickets.” Seniors Kylie Chen (’24) and Kiana Allard (’24) were caught lurking around the Urban Bloc carrying pens and blank paper while ditching AP Calc BC. “I mean, I would, too,” Mr. Mike Chechelnitsky said in response to this discovery. 

The line wrapped around Grant Road all the way to El Camino Hospital, where surgeons all but stopped surgery trying to get photos with Winston. The hashtag #Winstonbeatgordon started trending on X and Instagram, while Winston’s famous quote—“What’s up, family? Best school right here”—became a trending sound on TikTok. Altogether, Winston’s total views surpassed Hype House content, only narrowly beating out our very own Mr. Grant Lucas’s Pantene-sponsored YouTube tutorial, “How I look like Jack Harlow: my 52 step curl routine.” 

Additionally, within the school community, Winston’s popularity has only grown. In room 507, Ms. Dawson and the yearbook staff have been working overtime trying to make Winston the new face of yearbook; we reached out to the Poverello staff for comment, but unfortunately, their cult contract prevents them from being associated with The Lancer. 

Seeing the recent hype, Guy Fieri’s long lost twin, Mr. Ralph Fullerton, held a Socratic discussion regarding Winston’s taste-ocracy in his philosophy class. Mr. Don Carroll debated the politics of Winston’s supposed monopoly with his AP US Government and Politics class before being interrupted by a call from his mother, Mrs. Carroll, who reminded him to eat his veggies. Thankfully, Winston opened a separate kitchen sponsoring both Mr. Carroll and Mr. Chihiro Ikezi’s carnivorous cleanse diet. Consequently, a study led by Lancer Live’s Ted the Science Guy—peer reviewed by Mr. Todd Meulman—found that Carroll and Ikezi’s unexpected new bromance was actually a result from their bonding over Winston’s grilled cheese and tomato soup. Now, Winston has a new venture catering to both soccer moms and peloton torture connoisseurs alike. In fact, AP US History teacher Mr. John Foy couldn’t tell the difference between Winston’s homemade, all-natural, organic, gluten-free, vegan Diet Coke (coming soon to a Whole Foods near you) and Coca Cola’s Diet Coke, pumped with red-40 dye and high fructose corn syrup. Avid Diet Coke enthusiast: 0, Winston: 1.

Along with his budding soda enterprise, Winston has been reportedly practicing day and night for his brawl with Ramsay. “Even though I don’t have 17 million followers, I trust I’ll make Saint Francis proud. I’ve been practicing against my buddy Tim Yan, but it’s a little hard with Neal and Steve bodyguarding,” he said, referring to Mr. Neal Swank and Mr. Steve Smith, who, in addition to patrolling the lunch line, are now his personal safety companions. After a long hiatus from Instagram advised by his publicists, Angela Zhong (‘24) and Will Mangan (‘24), Winston posted, “Meet me at Hayes Mansion on May 20. Look forward to meeting you and perhaps beating you. Thanks fam.” 

Winston is an inspiration to not only Lancers, but also aspiring chefs across the country. Bello F. Bellarmine (’26) opened up, “I originally wanted to go to Bell, but the SFHS cookies changed my mind. Thanks, Winston, for knocking some sense into me.”

Humble as always, Winston posted on his Instagram, “Thanks for all the love and praise. Do it for the Lancer family,” signing off with his signature, “One love.”

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.