by Super Senior | April 15, 2024

The big day is coming soon. You’ve worked long days and nights for this moment, filling out your notecards, completing random formative assignments, actually taking notes in class when you could have been playing Snake. And it all leads to this moment: your walk to receive your diploma. You can envision it perfectly in your head: the background music, your intricately-decorated cap, the applause… except it’s not there. Your parents are irritated you’re leaving their grasp, your classmates resent you for consistently being that “Sharma ka beta” they were always compared to, and even your teachers have begun to sour on you. Fortunately, Jotsens has a solution to your predicament.

For the mere price of $20, you can secure yourself the Jostens Hands. They’re an army of professional clappers, trained to give you the thunderous applause you don’t deserve. They’ll start their barrage once you start walking and halt immediately once the next person starts. After all, you cannot let them get any applause.

Honestly, your parents are probably too proud of your high GPA and impending Ivy degree (and their newfound bragging rights at parties) to not clap, so this product may not be for you. However, Jostens Hands has another service that might be of interest. For just $50, they can target one of your chief rivals during their walk. As they make that walk, just as their name is announced, they’ll play a fake siren, designed to drown out their actually-deserved applause. Your enemy may be a popular rally board member, but for a small infusion of cash to the cash-beleaguered company, they will look like the captain of the Water-Drinking Team.

Of course, there remains the prospect of these fake sirens getting exposed. Fortunately, Jostens provides one free coverup job where a fake robbery will be introduced into post-graduation discussions. Your scam is safe.

While there are some particularly egotistical students who may employ the service, many industry insiders predict that most will not be its biggest fans. However, Jostens has a trick up its sleeves to gain a customer base: parents. They know that parents love to show just how much they love their kids and that they care more than the parent sitting next to them. Yes, it is an embarrassment, but for overindulging moms, that’s part of the appeal. 

So when you sit in your chair, waiting for your turn, and hear thunderous applause for someone you don’t like very much, you can comfort yourself with the thought that it might well be manufactured. If you want to know exactly who, cash-strapped Jostens will let you know. Josten Hands employees are authorized to accept unofficial bribes, and the rumor is that $10 will get you the names of their clients. Those of you with parents who you know will use it, beware of the impending DMs.

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.