by Hahnz Immur and Jun W. Leamz | April 1, 2022

Two hundred Saint Francis students were recently invited to play at the world-renowned Carnegie Hall after a fire drill left the entire school wiping turf off their back ends. The turf on the football field, where the evacuation drill was held, notoriously sticks to any and all surfaces. However, this particular day stands out from the standard fare, henceforth to live in infamy. 

As students stood up to return to classes, a beat emerged, the likes of which have never been heard before. In a moment rivaling the utter spontaneity of High School Musical’s “We’re All in This Together,” the ordinary cacophony of students coalesced into an upbeat tempo as students found themselves brushing off their posteriors to an impromptu beat described by one incredulous observer as “an absolute bop.” 

Mots Art (’23), who found himself acclaimed after conducting the viral performance, wiped tears from his eyes while discussing the phenomenon. He testified, “It was simply indescribable. One minute, I was just talking with my friends; the next thing I know, I’m being lifted up by my classmates and conducting this outstanding piece! My arms were just moving, and I wasn’t telling them to… it was really just a surreal experience. I don’t know if anything I’ll do in my musical career in the future can top this.” 

A recording of the strange proceedings went almost immediately viral, bringing involved students—and the school—national attention. Mere minutes after the video was posted, Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, took to Twitter in an unprecedented move that left his entire PR team flabbergasted. He passionately declared “bro this slaps,” remarking in a follow-up tweet, “yall bout to see this in donda 3. my thanks to the people of saint francis 🙏.”

The two hundred students invited to Carnegie Hall, however, seem to be more focused on futures in classical music, and Saint Francis mentors could not be prouder of their students’ success. New band and choir director Ms. Sadie Quelly-Sammut exclaimed, “I’ve never witnessed this kind of talent in all my time as a music educator. The beat was so moving… simply phenomenal work from these young people.”

Although the video of the fire drill went viral, the board of musicians responsible for the initial invitation to perform at Carnegie Hall claim that they did not issue such an invitation because of its online popularity, but rather because they could not deny how the beat originating from Saint Francis’s football field resounded across the country into their professional ears.

Musicology academics appropriately coined the phenomenon “the modern-day shot heard ‘round the world.” With that ringing endorsement, the New York board knew they simply had to recruit the students to conclude their concert series this year.

Carnegie Hall is currently in talks with Lancers to extend the performance into an artist-in-residency situation. If the agreement were to work out, Saint Francis students would be attending workshops, working with other artists, and refining their craft.

This heartwarming hometown success story truly is a reminder to follow your dreams and make the best out of every opportunity, no matter how unexpected⁠—you just might become a part of something magical.

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.