The Laughter Online

Students with “Saint Francis” lanyards hanging from their pockets found mysteriously tangled together

by Nissan Altima (’22) | April 1, 2022

Tragedy recently struck when twenty Saint Francis seniors rushing to the parking lot after school were entangled by their lanyards.

One of Saint Francis’s most revered and time-honored traditions is for new drivers to purchase a lanyard from the Lancer Locker. The lanyards gracefully dangling from students’ pants serve to draw attention to their new car keys loudly jangling in their pockets. Last year, the school increased the accessibility of this tradition by handing out free lanyards. Most students agree that this accessory, a “low-key flex,” subtly but unquestionably represents superiority and maturity.

Unfortunately, the massive knot—the size of the Bay Tree—conjoined the twenty unsuspecting seniors together. Despite campus administrators and faculty members’ best attempts to untie the knot, the students were left intertwined. Thankfully, through their incredible cooperation and organization, the Guidance and College Counseling Department were able to sort out the students’ schedules so that the twenty Lancers could still effectively attend their classes. 

Surprisingly, the horrifying incident provided an opportunity for students to reflect on the better aspects of the tradition. “What I appreciate most about the tradition is that it equates us. Whether you drive a BMW or a Subaru, you have the same lanyard brushing against your leg as you walk to class,” shared junior Mercedes Benz. “Unless, of course, you are a freshman or sophomore who isn’t old enough to get your driver’s license. Then, the tradition should make you feel sad. If you’re an upperclassman who failed their driver’s test, you should feel even worse,” she added. 

Toyota Corolla (’22), a student involved in the entanglement, proclaimed, “I was so excited that I would be able to attend the Harry Potter and the Paschal Mystery religion course with my fellow ‘lanyardees.’ I really wanted to sign up for the selective last year, but I’m more of a Hunger Games fan, so it felt traitorous.” 

Two weeks into the tragic encounter, the students realized they could simply remove the lanyards from their pockets. “The thought never even crossed my mind,” stated the flabbergasted Jeep Wrangler (’22). “I mean, the whole point of the lanyard is to keep it in your pocket. If you have a lanyard, but no one can see it, does it even exist?” 

“I’m just happy to be able to go to the bathroom alone again,” concluded Corolla.

This is the April Fool’s edition of the paper. We regret to inform you that all the content contained therein is fictional.

Categories: The Laughter Online

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